Chaos and Clarity (continued)
I would like to say a lightbulb went off and there was personal recognition of my behavior. That was not the case. In my early 20s, I married and had three daughters. Other than my grandparents, who never failed me, my children were my first experience with unconditional love. Though I still had a long and crooked road ahead of me, I was determined not to let them down. This was the catalyst for true self-examination and change. It was still years, and therapeutic trial-and-error, that began a true road to self-awareness.
Clarity was a slow-moving train for me that painstakingly moved forward track-by-track. Gradually, I began to acknowledge and identify behaviors that had caused me to self-sabotage and to renew the cycle of rejection. Whether it be a relationship, or a life experience, such as a living arrangement or career move, I learned that moving slowly would facilitate the ability to create a space for true and lasting constructive and rewarding transformation.